Knitting Home…

How has this year (2024) been? I was doing a year-end reflection on my JRS experiences. There were clusters in my head and heart, so the only way to make it neat was to knit it into a masterpiece. It was a system to save myself, and I didn’t notice it could also impact my surroundings. I am still in the incomplete process and don’t know when I can finish my masterpiece. While knitting it, I could be pissed off, distracted, demotivated, or I could be passionate, hopeful, and delighted. One thing is sure: I will never stop knitting, though I could have pauses along the way.

Before I realised, I was knitting, I was at the edge of a hopeless and miserable cliff. “Why are humans extremely busy when death is the only ending? Why would I try so hard to live? Even when I have never stopped and tried, what I always get is betrayal with fake hope from the most trusted people, failure, and disasters such as the pandemic, the military coup, and wars… I need to start again and again. Whenever I try to start anew and almost get there, trials are already there to play me around. Humans tend to be educated and more benevolent nowadays, but actually, we are still cruel and repeat history by fighting each other until now. I don’t know if this is Real Humanity for us, humans! I am just living to die… It’s better to wait and die… I am lost and I give up!”

With these killing thoughts, I gave up my studies, jobs, and hobbies, felt irritated to be called a ‘teacher’ which was my passion, isolated myself, and was dying while living every day for three months before becoming a JRS family member. As you can see in the picture, my heart is broken, but roses are blooming from the inside. My face is still smiling calmly, with the six shades of humans (6 JRS Malaysia members and others), and the clusters of my head and heart are knitted together.

Why? I have kindly received and shared the seven values – Compassion, Dignity, Hope, Justice, Hospitality, Solidarity, and Participation – from myself, JRS Malaysia family members, including our beloved students, benefactors, and surroundings. Though I am still facing insecurity and disasters outside, this is the only place where I can make myself HOME.

In my life, this is the very first peaceful working environment with sincere, optimistic colleagues where I first met an exemplar of a servant leader who proved to me the power of gentleness and peace leadership in this chaotic world. I didn’t believe in peace leadership before. They saved me from hopelessness and giving up on life. Especially seeing the students’ starvation for education and hard work has given me the courage to make the brave choice for the sake of calmness in chaos.

The truth is I cannot knit alone but need to include them as well – our love, pain, values, hardships, actions, brokenness, hope, and dreams. I am looking forward to knitting continuously our imperfectly perfect home with a grateful and joyful heart.

From: JRS Malaysia, Global English Language (GEL) Facilitator